Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Puns will play a big part in your next four and a half minutes. Beauty is in the lie of the beholder. The placement of Sirius in tonight’s sky advises you to send all your money to your favorite alternative education program’s newspaper. Felíz cumpleaños, y vaya con Diós en su futuro. Leave your financial planning strategies to Queequeg or Chef Boyardee, whichever is least fictional. Never underestimate the value of a good cheese brick. Consider the redeeming aspects of worms. Oogie Noogie Orange will shape your future this month.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The road to Dell is paid with good contentions. Contrary to popular belief, falling out of a coconut tree will not bring you fame and fortune (that only works for Keith Richards). Always be on the lookout for puddles, you never know when one will leak up on you. Don’t ever forget to consider the infinite number of impossibilities. Life may really only be as important as the color of your socks. Express your true inner feelings with blinks. Remember, it’s not luck that draws you along, it’s bait. Your lucky color is Indian Burn Red.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22) Always abide by the renowned proverb, “The more the scarier.” Be sure to prepare your tea parties for unexpected pests. Beware random acts of blindness. Consider voicing your right to remain silent. Comic books will play a graphic part of your month. Don’t forget the 59th Rule of Acquisition, “Free advice is seldom cheap.” Don’t be afraid to giggle at your own leisure. Beware dyslexic advertising slogans. Pap snackle crop! Avoid contractions and contradictions if you know what isn’t good for you. Your theme color is Mercy Mauve.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22) Beware of geeks bearing gifts. Be sure to take a dip in Massachusetts’ Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg this summer. And yes, it is a real place. Look out for paperclips masquerading as something else this week. Perhaps you will find the answers you seek in Yahtzee. Or maybe you will discover that there are six sides to what life rolls at you. Learn to ask seemingly deep questions. Does your reflection exist? Seize every opportunity to campaign for whirled peas. Your color to avoid is Thumbwrestle Teal.
Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22) The best laid plans of mice and men often go on rye. Keep an eye out for subtle humor, it may chastise you. Never resist the temptation to reduce your existence to a seemingly unrelated noun. Walnuts. Bubbles. Purple toadstools. Resist the urge to get carried away on tangents. Magnetize your social life. Don’t be afraid to dance when no one is watching. Boogie-ing waits for no man. It would be wise to involve yourself in your personal matters this month. Simplify your reductive heliogistic principles to maximize your ability to process interdependent tangential thought. Don’t avoid contradicting yourself. Find inner angst with Red Rover Raspberry.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) A leper cannot change its spots. Begin to consider the value of negative numbers. Seize the opportunity to alliterate your opponents. Ty[ing is an importamt skill, don;t neglect it. You can achieve anything you can dream if you have a friend who is tall enough. Strive to invent an instant food that truly is. Never let the chance to cartwheel go undiscovered. Political commentary is as dangerous as it is hilarious. If you don’t understand something, best look it up before you embarass yourself. (Poor Spanish here). Numerals will count toward your accomplishments this year. Watch for recurrences of the color Crazy Eggplant Eights.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Look before you sweep. Live, learn, and wear gloves. Be wary of things hanging on doorknobs. Start to deal with your unnatural fear of chipmunks. Breathing will shape your existence this week. Do your part to help “Oh the Places You’ll Go” make it to the top of the bestseller list. Learn to see the laughter in a baby’s eyes and peace in a large french fries. When you see this again, you might look. Televise your failures. Why settle for fifteen minutes of fame when twenty minutes of shame is easily within your grasp? The color Hide and Fried Green Tomatoes will enlighten your palate this evening.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Many hands make fights work. Always look for an alternative solution to options. Do as the felines do; feel free to shirk all responsibility, turn your nose up, and sleep away the afternoon in the sun. Avoid tolerant people who won’t accept other viewpoints. Revolutionize your outlook on life by adding a little William Blake. When you see the world in a grain of sand, everything will start making sense to you. Begin to realize that Confucius might be telling you exactly what you need to hear right now. It’s a shame about that language barrier. Your monthly plant is Hopscotch Hyacinth.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Necessity is the mother of convention. Be sure to let Asclepius guide your studies and “Band-Aid” placements this month. Beware of nerds that look up obscure references. Consider the possibility of making your next pet a Tauntaun. Whistling while you work may create some inter-office conflict, beware of implied musical tonality. Avoid seemingly made-up terms. Realize your potential to be everything but ordinary in the next few days and embrace it. For maximum dressing efficiency, remember the sage advice, “First pants, THEN shoes.” Avoid colors that do not follow established themes. Your lucky hue this month is Bluebird Brown.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) Nothing dentured, nothing maimed. Always have your eggs sunny-side fried. Consult the stars to make easy decisions sufficiently more complicated. Realize the value of Cool Whip in the hardware, home repair, and plumbing industries, as well as a replacement for shaving cream, mashed potatoes, and Drano. Avoid product placement when you won’t benefit from it. Don’t forget, all the world’s a cage, and all the men and women merely hamsters. Recognize the purity of the color Simon Says Sapphire.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Meditate on the fact that Rome wasn’t built in a bay. If something doesn’t make sense, best to not base your life philosophy on it without consulting a horoscope written by a stranger first. Consider ways to accrue financial ruin with multi-tiered investment capital gain sums. Don’t take retirement advice from penguins; they may dress smart, but they can’t seem to make their fiscal ideas take flight. Pop Rocks will give you a surprising burst of energy this weekend. Take a minute to reflect on the true nature of bumblebees. The color to avoid this year is Red Light, Green Light Blue.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Being is believing. Don’t hesitate to wake up and smell the dandelions. When in doubt, best avoid unclear statements of risky origin. Your lucky number hasn’t been discovered yet. Best to wait patiently and try counting backwards from negative two. There has never been a better time to sleep away your insomniacal tendancies and indecision; Except, perhaps, yesterday. Astro Blaster Black will light up your life this week. And finally, don’t forget to tip your hat to a graduate and honor the dearly imparted.
Hope Helps 